BRAIN~

New phase

Today 06/08/09 I've made a decision not to accept the job offer and be a full time mom.

Zuhri and I have been thinking about this issue for quite some time. The facility that I'm working at is closing in Aug and we have been offered to relocate to Kansas. Suprisingly, despite the economic downturn, both of us were offered a job. Out of the 80 people that survived through many rounds of layoffs, they picked both of us and it really made us feel valuable to the company.

I really wanted to work for the sake of Irfan. I'm not thinking about pampering him with the luxury toys etc, all I'm asking for is a good medical care and treatment for him. He's been struggling with the disease and deserves the best care. It's hard to see the little one struggling for his life and knowing that I won't be able to provide him with a good medical care is scary and I feel hopeless. With one of us woking, the chances of the provider to get laid off is high. If only one of us working and lose job, we will have to go back to Malaysia. It's not the worse thing in the world tapi what about the mdical care there. I've done research, takde specialist on kawasaki or even ped cardiologist and equipment pun takde sgt. It's really a gamble.

Another thought came to mind. There's nobody out there that I can trust to help at this new place. Gem is there but wont be able to help for very long. To find someone local is a long shot. I'm not sure if I can find anybody in a few weeks and trust her to take care of Irfan while I'm at work. The people and place are so alien to me. I'll be scared out of my mind if Irfan is staying with strangers. Plus who wants to come by to our place as early as 5:30 am and leave at 5pm. The working hours are just crazy.
Daycare is not an option even if Irfan is off aspirin. The experince that we had with babysitter and daycare is terrifying enough to even consider them.
We were thinking about getting peopl from Malaysia tapi sape? Both of our parents are still working. Relatives pun busy dgn life masing2 with kids and family. Takde sape nak give up their lives just to help us out even thou we are offering to pay RM 3500 sebulan.

Its a difficult decision. With just depending on one income wo won't have any savings. Bills, rent, groceries and all necessities je akan use up every penny that we earn. This is not even considering buying a house, new cars or even paying for Irfan's bill.

The reality is.. it's going to hard to surviv either way. Kalau keje, I won't feel good about leaving Irfan except with family members. Kalau tak keje, hidup mcm kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang...kalau ade emergency I don't know what to do. And semalam masa discuss dgn Zuhri, tiba2 kitaorg terpikir mcm mana kalau Gem suddenly rasa things are not working out for her and we have to send Irfan to stranger and he gets sick again.. tiba2 I had this weird anxiety rush, badan rasa menggigil and tiba2 bila tgk cemin my neck, chest and tummy turned red. Its the nervous or anxiety rash. Even if Gem boleh tolong, beyond gem's help I dont think I can find anybody. I cannot go through perasaan masa Irfan sakit dulu..perasaan takut amat sakit as if I'm going to lose him. I don't want to risk his health again.

So the decision is made. I have declined the offer and will focus on Irfan until probably he's 2 or so. I will make some other arrangement for myself. I'm hoping that this is not the end of my career and I know that I can do better. I might change my career path but we'll see.. I'd like to think yg rezeki ade di mana2 and semoga ade hikmah dgn ape yg dah jadi. Hopefully we are doing the right thing... and that Allah will guide us to the right path Insyaallah.

Another echo..

We have another echo tomorrow...the 4th one. I'm scared .. I know he's going to be ok insyaallah. Semoga segala complications and abnormalities dah sembuh, semoga irfan akan off aspirin soon. I have faith in him..
Ya Allah tolong lah kami, sembuhkan la Irfan dgn sepenuhnya dan sempurnanya. Amin..

Please make doa for his full recovery..

This is a story about my baby, Irfan. About six weeks ago, Irfan was terribly sick. It felt like a nightmare to both Zuhri and myself... I cannot even believe that this was happening to us. I was devastated for weeks and was about to lose my mind. Yet, I have faith in Irfan. I know he's a strong boy and Insyaallah he will win this battle.
Here's how it all started..

03/23/09 Mon
Irfan's 6th month check up. Found out that he had a very bad ear infection. Prescribed amoxycilyn.

03/26/09 Thurs
Noticed Irfan was fussier than usual. Planned to take him to COPA (children's clinic) the next day.

03/27/09 Fri
Irfan was at babysitter's. Temp was 101F. We didn't know it was that high until we came by to pick him up. Went to COPA, saw the nurse (we didn't even know she was just a nurse, kalau tau mmg sah takkan set appointment dgn nurse bangang). She said it was just common cold.

03/28/09 Sat
Woke up in the morning. I was trying to comfort Irfan when I noticed his neck betul2 bawah telinga swollen. It was big like a size of a golf ball. I was scared panggil zuhri suruh check. Again went to COPA. Finally saw a real doc, did blood test. So doc ckp the swollen neck is lymph node infection. The lymph node bengkak sbb antibodi is fighting the bacteria from the ear infection. She prescribed a stronger antibiotic, augmentin. And she told us to give Irfan Motrin too. Malam tu kesian sgt Irfan, muntah2 sbb tak tahan dgn ubat tu.. sedih sgt. Temp was 103F. Mata start merah. I realized jari Irfan dah bengkak2.

03/29/09 Sun
Went to COPA again. Irfan hasnt been eating.Saw the stupid nurse that we saw on Friday (again didn't know that she's not a doc). We told her about Irfan muntah2, mata merah and temp still high 103F eventhou dah makan the strongest antibiotic. Nurse still blur2 and ckp we were on the right track sbb lymh node dah tak bengkak sgt. We asked about the red eyes, dia ckp ooo since Irfan panas n demam tu sbb mata merah. grr..

03/30/09 Mon
Irfan's temp was still 103F, mata sgt merah, kaki n tangan bengkak, mulut pun sgt merah and badan lembik sgt. Irfan tido all day and didnt even want to eat. We were terrified. Went to COPA again and saw another doc. The doc looks really weird, pakai selekeh n tak mcm doc langsung. He checked Irfan thoroughly and suspected that Irfan kena kawasaki disease. He took some blood for the lab and did TB test. The doc told us to go home and google for kawasaki disease.
About 3 pm, the doc called. Dia tanye kalau kitaorg dah baca pasal kawasaki and what our thought on it. From what we read, 80% of the symptoms ade pada Irfan. Both Zuhri and I cried. We packed our stuff and drove to the hospital.
Late evening around 5 PM, they put Irfan on IVIG and gave him aspirin. Irfan looked much better and started to smile again. Sgt bersyukur.

03/31 Tues -04/03/09 Friday

Tuesday morning was a blessed. Irfan showed major improvements, no fever, his lips and eyes were back to normal, lymph node regressed, most importantly dia dah energetic balik.
We did our first echo (scanning Irfan's heart). The result was inline with kawasaki disease. His coronary arteries showing dilations and it is a common finding in kawasaki patients. I was terrified and really worried about Irfan. We noticed that Irfan developed some rash and we're pretty sure that was caused by the IVIG. Irfan wasn't sleeping very well at night. I have to hold him all night long.

On Wednesday, Irfan was showing a much better appearance. He's back to his normal self but still having diarhea. Irfan's tempeature was stable alhamdulillah. Kalau temp Irfan went up high again, he will need another dose of IVIG. Another sleeples night, I was holding Irfan until 5 AM because he couldn't sleep by himself. I finally asked for a bed so that I can lie down with him.

Thursday, temp was good. Irfan was doing and eating well. All of us were still in the hospital. We were still off work and the 4th day tido kat hospital. The room was super nice. I had a bed that I shared with Irfan, zuhri was sleeping on a sofa. The view from the room was superb.

Friday, we were told that we can leave if blood result is good. We did blood work to check on his condition. The result was showing improvement and we were allowed to pack home. Alhamdulillah..
The 3 main things that they were interested were CRP 3+ (normal: 0.075) , platelet 400k+ (normal: 300-400k) , ESR 70+ (normal: <20)

We went home feeling grateful yg Irfan recovering and that we caught the disease at an early stage. I guess it wasn't early enough to avoid heart complications but it could have been worse if it wasn't treated in a timely manner. I felt guilty for sending him to the babysitter (I'm very sure that's the main cause) also guilty for not breastfeeding him... I've tried so hard.
To all family and friends, tolong doakan Irfan for his full recovery, semoga coronary artery dan jantung Irfan kembali normal, semoga Allah sembuhkan abnormalities & dilation and semoga dia akan off Aspirin InsyaAllah.

Monday evening when we got admitted

In Memory... 2004 Ford Focus

Well, I just got some free time to write this down. I would just say that it was an unlucky day for both of us. We were excited & busy packing stuff for our trip to Indiana the next day.

So that afternoon after Amin came back from work, we went to the coin laundry which is only 2 blocks away from our house. On the way back, we came to a four-legged intersection which has two lanes on each sides. We were on the right most lane. Amin stopped because the traffic light was red.

When it turned green, Amin hit the pedal. I remembered that there was a van on our left, and it stopped in the middle of the intersection to turn left. When we just about to pass the van, we heard this loud streeching noise, and boom! There was this big truck from the opposite side, crossing in front of us! Amin immediately slammed the break and I could just scream arrghhhhhh...

The truck hit us pretty hard. I was so shocked, my shoulder and neck hurt badly. Amin was shocked too, but he wasn't hurt that much. Fortunately, a tow truck was behind our car. The guy helped moving our damaged car to the side of the road so that we didn't stall the traffic. There were eyewitnesses stayed behind to give their statements to the police. So we got a good case against the stupid, redneck old lady driving big truck *sigh*

So two weeks after the accident, I feel much better now. My back & shoulder are not hurt anymore. We still sticked to our plan to go back to Indiana for 5 days. And I had so much fun that the accident didn't bother me anymore, alhamdullilah.

So, what happened to Ford Focus now? Well the insurance guy just confirmed that the damage costs around $6,000 which is more than the market value of the car. So the car is totaled :(

Kinda sad to think that I won't ride the Ford Focus anymore..

Nasi Dagang for Dinner

My first try! This is the hardest dish I made so far (took me 4 hours just to cook the rice!). It's not perfect, and I don't know if it tastes like the original, but we both like it.

This Week Food Highlights

1. Spaghetti Meatballs

This is the 2nd time we made this dish, and I think we have perfected the recipe. I'm not going to make regular spaghetti sauce anymore because the meatballs are so delicious.

2. Goat Biryani

This time I used Shan's Sindhi Biryani Mix. I fried the onions with olive oil & it didn't change the taste. So I think any cooking oil is fine (maybe just add a spoon of margerine/butter to make it a little bit aromatic).

3. Homemade oatmeal raisin cookies

This is my first attempt making cookies from stretch. I used the recipe found under Quaker Oatmeal's lid. The cookies were pretty good. The only mistake: it tasted a little bit salty :S
Why? Well, I use salted butter while making the mixture. In the recipe, it says to put 1 tsp of salt, and I did it without thinking. I just realized about this after finishing mixing everything. Err... too late!