New phase

Today 06/08/09 I've made a decision not to accept the job offer and be a full time mom.

Zuhri and I have been thinking about this issue for quite some time. The facility that I'm working at is closing in Aug and we have been offered to relocate to Kansas. Suprisingly, despite the economic downturn, both of us were offered a job. Out of the 80 people that survived through many rounds of layoffs, they picked both of us and it really made us feel valuable to the company.

I really wanted to work for the sake of Irfan. I'm not thinking about pampering him with the luxury toys etc, all I'm asking for is a good medical care and treatment for him. He's been struggling with the disease and deserves the best care. It's hard to see the little one struggling for his life and knowing that I won't be able to provide him with a good medical care is scary and I feel hopeless. With one of us woking, the chances of the provider to get laid off is high. If only one of us working and lose job, we will have to go back to Malaysia. It's not the worse thing in the world tapi what about the mdical care there. I've done research, takde specialist on kawasaki or even ped cardiologist and equipment pun takde sgt. It's really a gamble.

Another thought came to mind. There's nobody out there that I can trust to help at this new place. Gem is there but wont be able to help for very long. To find someone local is a long shot. I'm not sure if I can find anybody in a few weeks and trust her to take care of Irfan while I'm at work. The people and place are so alien to me. I'll be scared out of my mind if Irfan is staying with strangers. Plus who wants to come by to our place as early as 5:30 am and leave at 5pm. The working hours are just crazy.
Daycare is not an option even if Irfan is off aspirin. The experince that we had with babysitter and daycare is terrifying enough to even consider them.
We were thinking about getting peopl from Malaysia tapi sape? Both of our parents are still working. Relatives pun busy dgn life masing2 with kids and family. Takde sape nak give up their lives just to help us out even thou we are offering to pay RM 3500 sebulan.

Its a difficult decision. With just depending on one income wo won't have any savings. Bills, rent, groceries and all necessities je akan use up every penny that we earn. This is not even considering buying a house, new cars or even paying for Irfan's bill.

The reality is.. it's going to hard to surviv either way. Kalau keje, I won't feel good about leaving Irfan except with family members. Kalau tak keje, hidup mcm kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang...kalau ade emergency I don't know what to do. And semalam masa discuss dgn Zuhri, tiba2 kitaorg terpikir mcm mana kalau Gem suddenly rasa things are not working out for her and we have to send Irfan to stranger and he gets sick again.. tiba2 I had this weird anxiety rush, badan rasa menggigil and tiba2 bila tgk cemin my neck, chest and tummy turned red. Its the nervous or anxiety rash. Even if Gem boleh tolong, beyond gem's help I dont think I can find anybody. I cannot go through perasaan masa Irfan sakit dulu..perasaan takut amat sakit as if I'm going to lose him. I don't want to risk his health again.

So the decision is made. I have declined the offer and will focus on Irfan until probably he's 2 or so. I will make some other arrangement for myself. I'm hoping that this is not the end of my career and I know that I can do better. I might change my career path but we'll see.. I'd like to think yg rezeki ade di mana2 and semoga ade hikmah dgn ape yg dah jadi. Hopefully we are doing the right thing... and that Allah will guide us to the right path Insyaallah.